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Listen. As captain of flight DC-132,<br/>it is my sworn duty to consider all

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potential dangers which may put my<br/>aircraft and its passengers at risk.

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That is why when my onboard agent<br/>informed me that one of the passengers

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had a nail file, my brain immediately<br/>went into "yellow alert", which means

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don't panic, but stay razor sharp.

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But when I learned that the same<br/>passenger also had a cannette

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of grape juice – another item which<br/>is strictly forbidden under the rules

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of the CTA – the Canadian<br/>Transport Agency – I said "oh boy

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something's cooking". We pilots<br/>have an expression up in the air,

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you know:  Something stinks... yet<br/>nobody makes the fart.

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- Mr. Johnson.<br/>- Yes?

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- Are you the owner of<br/>this can of grape juice?

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- Yes.

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- And where were you when<br/>you consumed its contents?

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- On the plane.<br/>- Ah ha!

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- What's the problem with that?<br/>- Mr. Johnson, let me get right to the

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point, shall I. Have you ever been<br/>to a terrorist camp in Afghanistan?

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- Wow! What are you talking about?!<br/>- Have you ever had couscous with

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a member of Al-Qaïda then?<br/>-No!

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- Played bingo in the basement of a mosque?<br/>-No, look! I-

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- Taken belly-dancing lessons?<br/>- Heck no!

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- In your youth, did you ever blow up<br/>a frog by putting a firecracker

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in its mouth?<br/>- Once... I think.

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- Why Mr. Johnson?! Tell us why?!

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- I don't know. I had a frog in one hand<br/>and a firecracker in the other...

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- No! Why did you secretly smuggle<br/>a can of grape juice

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onboard flight DC-132?<br/>- Hey! I didn't smuggle it,

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I just forgot to take it out of my bag,<br/>that's all. What's with you guys?!

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It's just a can of flipping grape juice!!

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- Ok Sunny Jim. What were you planning<br/>to do with the nail file, then, hun?

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- Ho Jesus.  Let me think about that one<br/>a second. Hum... a nail file? Let's see,

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what does one usually do with a nail<br/>file? I give you three guesses,

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okay genius?!

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- We're not here to play games,<br/>Mr. Johnson.

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- Okay! That's enough, alright?!<br/>I've had it with you two guys!

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I bought an all-inclusive package<br/>for the Coconut Bay Resort in

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Ft. Lauderdale and instead I'm stuck<br/>here in some military base in Kuujjuaq

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wherever the hell that is - being<br/>interrogated by the Secret Service.

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Well, you know what? That's enough.<br/>I'm a Canadian citizen, I know

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my rights, alright, and I refuse to<br/>answer any more of your questions

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without the presence of my travel<br/>agent and a Pina Colada! You got that?

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- So what do you think?<br/>Terrorist or tourist?

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- Hun...It's hard to tell these days.